Toxic relationship: the signs to recognize, and who to call

Conflict or violence: the difference that changes everything

A couple who argue a lot is not necessarily a toxic couple. Research on couples, John Gottman’s in particular, shows that how often you argue doesn’t predict a breakup: some very conflictual couples are happy and lasting. What does damage is how you argue, and that can be worked on together. We cover it on the conflict management page.

Violence is not a conflict. It is not an argument that went wrong, and it is not a question of volume. The criteria are fear, control, a repeated imbalance of power, blows or threats. A relationship where one person is afraid of the other is toxic, even without a single raised voice. A relationship where one person has to answer for everything and the other never does is toxic too. And unlike a conflict, it can’t be debriefed, it can’t be repaired together, and no couple tool applies to it.

The warning signs

None of these signs on its own is a diagnosis. But they are not harmless, and they rarely show up alone.

• You watch everything you say and everything you do to avoid a reaction. You’re “walking on eggshells.”
• Your phone, your messages, your routes, your spending are checked, or you’ve gotten into the habit of justifying everything before anyone asks.
• You see your friends, your family, your coworkers less, and if you’re honest, it’s not really your choice.
• The criticism is about who you are, not what you do: useless, crazy, incapable, too sensitive. And you’re starting to believe it.
• What you saw or heard is disputed until you doubt your own memory. It’s called gaslighting.
• Jealousy and control are presented as proof of love: “it’s because I care about you.”
• Money is controlled, withheld, or you have to account for every expense.
• There are threats: to leave, to hurt themselves, to hurt you, to “tell everyone,” to take the kids.
• It goes in circles: tension builds, it explodes, then come the apologies and the promises, a calm, and the tension builds again.
• You apologize all the time, even for things that were done to you.
• There has been a physical act. A shove, a thrown object, a raised hand. Once is enough.

Why a couple test doesn’t measure this

Many people land here looking for a test. We get it: a test gives a score, and a score reassures or settles things. But a couple test, ours included, measures what two people build together, assuming both have the same power in the relationship, the same right to say no, the same safety. In a relationship of coercive control, that’s not the case.

Worse: the person on the receiving end would often get “bad scores” in communication or conflict management, because they stay quiet, avoid, give in. The test would tell them to “work on their communication.” That would be wrong, and potentially dangerous. That’s why this page doesn’t offer the test, and why we’d rather point you to trained people.

Ten statements to take stock

This isn’t a test, there’s no score. Read these statements and simply note the ones that speak to you.

1. I’m afraid of their reaction when I say what I think.
2. I hide things from the people close to me about what goes on at home.
3. I don’t recognize myself anymore: I’ve become quieter, smaller.
4. After an argument, it’s always me who’s wrong, and I end up apologizing.
5. I feel watched: my messages, where I go, what I spend.
6. I’ve been threatened before, or I’ve been afraid for my safety.
7. I stay because I’m afraid of what would happen if I left.
8. They have been physically violent before, even “just once,” even “not hard.”
9. The people close to me are worried about me and I think they’re overreacting.
10. I often tell myself it’s not “bad enough” to talk about.

If even one of these statements touches on fear, blows or threats, that’s enough to call 3919 (in France). If several others speak to you, it’s not a diagnosis, but it’s a reason to talk to someone trained, not to “work on the couple” together. Outside France, contact your local domestic violence helpline.

Who to call, and what to expect

In France, 3919 is the national helpline for everyone who has experienced violence, whatever their gender, and for their loved ones. Free, anonymous, 24/7. The people who answer listen, help you see things clearly, and point you to organizations and services near you. Calling commits you to nothing: no one will ask you to file a report or to leave.

17 or 112 in immediate danger, and 114 by text if you can’t talk. On arretonslesviolences.gouv.fr, a chat lets you talk with trained police officers and gendarmes, discreetly, and find support organizations in your region. These are all French services. Elsewhere, contact your local domestic violence helpline.

A doctor can document injuries and write a certificate, useful later even if you don’t want to do anything today. A local organization can support you with the paperwork, housing, money and children questions, at your own pace.

If it’s someone close to you

Don’t judge, don’t push them to leave, and don’t cut the tie even if they downplay it or go back to their partner. Tell them that you’re there, that you believe them, and give them the numbers on this page. 3919 also takes calls from loved ones who don’t know how to help.

What if I recognize myself on the side of the one who controls?

It happens, and asking yourself the question matters. In France, there is a helpline for people who are violent in their relationship and want it to stop: 08 019 019 11, anonymous and free. It’s not a place of judgment, it’s a place to start. Elsewhere, ask your local domestic violence helpline about programs for people who want to stop.

Frequently asked questions