Couple Test to Take Together: 25 Questions

Q: Do we have to answer all 25 questions in one evening?

No, and it’s actually not recommended. Five questions listened to well are worth more than twenty-five rushed through. Keep the list and come back to it once a week, one territory at a time.

Q: What if my partner doesn’t want to take the test together?

You can already answer on your own, in writing, the questions that speak to you: it clarifies what you want to say. And an online couple test can also be taken alone, about your relationship as you see it from where you stand. Your partner’s refusal is information, not a verdict: it often points to a fear of being judged, not a lack of interest.

Q: What’s the difference between these questions and an online couple test?

The questions open a conversation; the test gives a measurement. The first bring up what you feel, the second places your relationship on seven dimensions, with a score, a level, and a starting point for making progress. The two complement each other: conversation first and measurement after, or the other way around.

Q: What should we do if a question sets off an argument?

Stop, without slamming the door: “let’s pick this up tomorrow at 8 p.m.” Twenty minutes of pause is often enough for your body to calm down. The question that raised the tension is probably the most important one on the list for you; it deserves a calm moment, not the end of a tiring evening.

Q: Are these questions suitable for a new relationship?

Yes, as long as you start with the communication and affection territories. The questions about conflict and shared project assume a bit of shared history; they can come later. A new couple that practices these conversations spares itself a lot of misunderstandings down the road.

The ground rules before you start

The questions below are useless if you rattle through them like a survey. They work with three simple rules, and all three matter. First: each of you answers in turn, without being interrupted. The one listening doesn’t comment, correct, or defend. They can only ask a question to understand better. Second: talk about yourself, not about the other person. “I feel lonely on Sunday evenings” opens a conversation; “you’re always on your phone” opens a trial. Third: stop when the tension rises. Not to run away, but to come back later, at a time you both name.

Plan for one hour without screens, at a moment when you’re not exhausted, and pick five questions, not twenty-five. The rest can wait for another evening. A couple test for two that runs three hours almost always ends badly, not because the questions are bad, but because fatigue turns any answer into a reproach.

Communication: do we still hear each other?

When I tell you about a problem, what do you expect from me first: a solution, or for me to listen?
What is the last thing you kept to yourself so you wouldn’t create tension?
When in the week do you feel we really talk? And when do we not talk at all?
Is there a sentence I say often that shuts you down instead of opening you up?
If you had to teach me just one thing about the way you listen, what would it be?

These questions aim at one precise thing: finding out whether you feel heard. John Gottman showed that conversations almost always end on the note they started on, and that couples who do well don’t talk more than others, they respond more often to each other’s bids for connection. Question 1 is the one that changes the most evenings: a lot of arguments start with a solution handed to someone who just wanted an ear.

Conflict: how we argue, and how we repair

During an argument, what do I do that hurts you the most? And what do you do that you regret afterward?
After an argument, what do you need to come back to me: time, a gesture, words?
What is the topic that keeps coming back and never gets settled? What do you think is hiding underneath it?
Do you ever give in just to keep the peace? About what?
What was our best reconciliation? What did we do differently that time?

Couples who last don’t argue less. They repair better and faster. Question 8 is the most important one on this list: most couples have two or three disagreements that will never be resolved, because they come from lasting differences in temperament or history. The goal isn’t to make them disappear, it’s to learn to talk about them without it hurting. One caution: if an argument frightens you, if one of you feels controlled or belittled, this is not a conflict to work on as a couple, it’s a situation to make safe. In France, call 3919 (free, anonymous) or 17 in immediate danger. Elsewhere, contact your local domestic violence helpline.

Want to see how you handle conflict, measured dimension by dimension? The MyLoveLab online couple test takes 15 minutes, each of you on your own, and then you compare.

Take the online couple test

Affection and desire: what makes us feel loved

What do I do, even something small, that makes you feel loved? And what do I no longer do?
When do you feel closest to me physically? It’s not necessarily in bed.
Is there something you’d like us to try, or to get back to, that you don’t dare ask for?
When I say no, or not now, how do you take it? And how do you think I take it when you say it?
What in our daily life switches off your desire without me realizing it?

This territory calls for more gentleness than the others. Ask these questions when you’re doing well, never right after an argument, and accept a disappointing answer without debating it in the moment. Question 14 is delicate but valuable: a “no” that is received well is the condition for a “yes” that comes with real desire. Emily Nagoski’s work on the accelerators and brakes of desire says the same thing in other words: most drops in desire come from brakes that were never named, not from a lack of love.

Trust and support: are we a team?

The last time I had a hard week, what did you notice? What would you have liked to do?
Is there a promise, even a small one, that I didn’t keep and that still stays with you?
What do you tell me and nobody else? And the other way around?
In what situation do you feel you’re carrying more than your share?
If we had to face a real blow tomorrow, what about us reassures you? What worries you?

Trust isn’t built through grand declarations but in the small moments when one of you turns toward the other, and the other responds. Brené Brown talks about the marble jar: each reliable gesture adds a marble, each forgotten promise takes one out. Question 17 often brings up “small” disappointments that one person thought were settled and the other has carried for months. Hearing them without justifying yourself is already putting a marble back.

Shared project: where are we headed?

Five years from now, what does an ordinary day look like for us, in your head?
Is there a dream of yours that you set aside for the relationship? Do I know about it?
On which big decision do you feel we never really chose, that we just drifted into?
What about us deserves to be protected no matter what: a ritual, a habit, a place?
If you had to sum up what we’re building together in one sentence, what would it be?

Disagreements about the future aren’t a sign that the relationship is a mistake. They show that two dreams haven’t been said out loud yet. Gottman calls this shared meaning: the rituals, roles, goals, and symbols that make an “us” exist. Question 22 is the one that surprises people most: you often find out that the other person put away a desire you didn’t even know was there.

Exercise to try tonight

The two-person test in one evening

If you only have one evening, here is how to split it up so it stays a conversation, not an interrogation.

Each of you picks two questions from the list, without conferring, and writes them on a slip of paper. That gives you four questions, which is enough.
You draw one question. The person who didn’t pick it answers first, without being interrupted, then the other person does. No commenting between the two answers.
After each question, one sentence each: “what I heard and what touched me was…”. Then the next question.
At the end, each of you names one thing you’ll do differently this week. Just one, concrete, with a date.

If a question makes the tension rise, write it down, save it for another time, and move on to the next one. That isn’t a failure, it’s the most useful information of the evening.

And then? Measuring what the conversation brought up

These 25 questions bring up feelings. They don’t measure anything, and that’s fine: a conversation is not an instrument. If you want to know which areas of your relationship are solid and which are stuck, an online couple test built on research is the next step. The MyLoveLab test takes 15 minutes, each of you on your own, about the same relationship. You get a score for each dimension, your attachment style, and your relationship profile, then you compare your two reports. That’s often where the evening of questions makes the most sense, because you don’t see the same strengths or the same blind spots.

And if the conversation was hard, if one of you came away hurt, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have had it. It means there is one specific place to work on, and you’ve just found it. A test doesn’t replace a professional: if your relationship is going through a serious crisis, a couples therapist is still the right door to knock on.

Fifteen minutes, seven dimensions, one report each. Compare your two views of the same relationship.

Test our relationship online

Frequently asked questions

Do we have to answer all 25 questions in one evening?

No, and it’s actually not recommended. Five questions listened to well are worth more than twenty-five rushed through. Keep the list and come back to it once a week, one territory at a time.

What if my partner doesn’t want to take the test together?

You can already answer on your own, in writing, the questions that speak to you: it clarifies what you want to say. And an online couple test can also be taken alone, about your relationship as you see it from where you stand. Your partner’s refusal is information, not a verdict: it often points to a fear of being judged, not a lack of interest.

What’s the difference between these questions and an online couple test?

The questions open a conversation; the test gives a measurement. The first bring up what you feel, the second places your relationship on seven dimensions, with a score, a level, and a starting point for making progress. The two complement each other: conversation first and measurement after, or the other way around.

What should we do if a question sets off an argument?

Stop, without slamming the door: “let’s pick this up tomorrow at 8 p.m.” Twenty minutes of pause is often enough for your body to calm down. The question that raised the tension is probably the most important one on the list for you; it deserves a calm moment, not the end of a tiring evening.

Are these questions suitable for a new relationship?

Yes, as long as you start with the communication and affection territories. The questions about conflict and shared project assume a bit of shared history; they can come later. A new couple that practices these conversations spares itself a lot of misunderstandings down the road.

References

Gottman, J. M. & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown.
Gottman, J. M. & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221-233.
Nagoski, E. (2015). Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. Simon & Schuster.
Brown, B. (2015). Rising Strong. Spiegel & Grau.
Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D. & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363-377.